Day 16 + 17: Pre-Opposition

My head:

Hold my 🍺- Take my kid home-

I'm ready to fight.

Alright, 😎- Neurosurgeon:

1. I NEED you right now

2. I HATE you right now

3. I don't WANT to like you

4. In fact, I prefer your ASS-ured self

5. One should be so touched when drilling into my skull.

6. I dare you to deny you said Saturday and left me NPO for no reason.

7. I dare you to tell me you're doing anything less than removing this entire mass eating away at my soul.

8. Let's go

In real life....

Kinley's still here. I'm in the worst pain. I'm tired.

🟢 faith dot of fun:

🎶 in walks the singing priest? : it's a woman. - I'm not sure what her title is - but it's Sunday and she is bringing me the Eucharist. Kinley had her first communion so she splits ours, and continues to sing the Our Father. - it's odd.

The woman doesn't say a word to us personally- just proceeds with the Our Father, the prayer for the Eucharist, places on our tongues, washes her hands (as she sings loudly) then proceeds down the hall....🟢

Cool. I'm blessed-

---- Kinley scored a new little rosary

---- I got cool points for laughing once she left

Love is humor and God is Love

👩🏻 My mom:

She's here now. Repeating how much better I look when I'm with my kids. [thinking: yeah I know- that's what happens when you're a mom].

-She is working her ass off to bring me stuff- ice packs, kids on demand, staying at my place- it's huge.

• we have a non-traditional relationship

• she wants to help

• she is well intended

• It's complicated and we navigate it together

😎👩🏼‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️ The crew walks in [NEUROSURGEON + NP 1 +M].

(Keep in mind- I want to kill him- I'm in pain- I need him)

Me: "Kinley-

• go to the balcony

• get the nurse

• shut the door" -

I make direct eye contact with them to show I need them quiet until she leaves.

I whisper- Mom please don't say a word.--

😡 my mom is pissed. I'm pissed. But I can't let anything fuck up my kid or my treatment and I need it all NOW

ME INSIDE: Don't say a word- listen first- be direct. Shut the fuck up and keep him happy.

😎: "the plan is to get into the OR for the biopsy tomorrow"

Me: 😣 "when you say biopsy.... you are getting all of it, right? I am hurting so bad"

😎: - he begins to hyper-focus on my mom- he describes how he plans to cut my hair in a small patch if it's a needle biopsy and how he will need to shave a large area if he takes everything- or the potential to shave all of it, if there is more.

👩🏻 Mom: Listens. Nods. Holds her tongue as I had requested. She tried so hard... actually did so well....

😎: He is rambling-

I'm staring at NP👩🏻‍⚕️ and M👩🏼‍⚕️.

MY FACE CANT HIDE OR LIE.

If there's a place in this story where I use mind fucking psychology skills- I must admit they're usually in an attempt not to fuck myself over. I'm not able to let this guy know how I feel entirely but I need him to do what I want to survive this shit. I need his team to have my back and I need my team to ignore the petty stuff - no hiccups moving forward.

That said - (everyone who knows me knows)

I CAN ONLY SUSTAIN FAKE FOR SO LONG-

I feel

• Like I'm going to explode

• Like I need an apology for 2 more days of pain

• Like I want to force him to look at me

Me: "can I ask a question? Why would you do one over the other?... the pain is in these two locations and I feel every part of it. My fear is if it's a needle biopsy then I won't get the pain to go away." [I look at 👩🏼‍⚕️/nod/ confirm] "We've talked for two days about removal of the entire lesion."

👩🏼‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️: Smile. Nod. They like me and I've been cussing at/with them ever since 🤡 was going to slice me up.

😎: looks back at my 👩🏻 mom and continues on about my hair. Does not answer my question directly, but says a biopsy will allow them dx and let me keep more hair.

Me: ignoring the talk of my hair. I need to be clear- " I need it all removed."

Me inside: You fucking dumbass - I'm in pain.

😎: looks back at my mom and goes on about how other patients can be upset when they wake up and are missing larger portions of hair than expected.....this continues for 3+ mins.

Edit to add: whatever med program is teaching doctors to speak to the family member in the room instead of the patient - STOP- especially when you're being a dumbass

I don't have the patience or pain tolerance for this nonsense and that poker face isn't around. I'm sure of it.

Me: "Okay- I need to stop you. I appreciate that you care about my hair but I need you to know that. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT MY HAIR! I'm feeling every sliver of this right now and I need you to please take everything you can and everything you see."

😎: "Well yes of course but many patients care and get upset about their hair."

Me: Alright. Let me be more clear - I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY HAIR right now- PLEASE do whatever you need to get this out.

👩🏼‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️: Smiling and smirking

👩🏻: holding back so many questions and still letting me lead.

😎: "sure. I'll take everything"

- somewhat dismissive- but I just heard his words and I'm getting what I need-

Breathe

They left, Kinley comes back, my crew regroups- a few more jokes happen about the hair talks and how if he stared at my mom any longer I was going to explode- but I was ready to go.

❌two more allergic responses - and sleep❌

MONDAY:

• pre-op tests are ran

• Liver ultrasound shows inflammation/fatty tissue otherwise unremarkable

• They agree to wait and watch my liver discussing a potential drug injury from the antibiotic

• I'm NPO and ready

The NPs bring me the pre-op papers and once again begin describing a plan for a needle biopsy.

Me: 🤦🏼‍♀️

👩🏼‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️: Hold the papers for another chance to talk to 😎 before signing

I'm pissed/annoyed and still ready to go

Early afternoon, I get taken how to the OR, meat the team, feel sad over not seeing 👩🏼‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️ scrubbing in and being left alone with 😎- but I'm still ready.

👩🏻- they let my mom back to preop- she knows I'm upset and she's naturally anxious so I'm trying to ignore the energy and focus on getting 😎 to cut it all out.

😎 walks up: "you ready for the biopsy?"

Me: "When you say biopsy- you are agreeing to remove it ALL, correct? I mean cut all the hair you need but please get all of this pain to go away."

😎: Right. I'll take everything I see.

Perfect.